Pastor Michelle twice brought up Confirmation class when preaching the Gospel Lesson John 20:19-31. I found this was precisely where it resonated in my soul for me. I will tell this story for the sake of others. Once again I was thrust into what I thought was a personal reaction to this John text but may be more widespread because, as Pastor Michelle preached the lesson is about faith, doubt and certainty which are undeniable areas of turmoil for many of us.
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| Thomas touching the scars |
What I remember now is asking my pastor in class, "Did the resurrection of Jesus need to be of his physical body, or could the disciples have started believing that the power of what he taught and did could go on living within and through them?" ..
Theologically the question was awkwardly phrased. However I was unprepared for his angry response "Of course the resurrection had to be of the physical body of Jesus. You can't believe or think anything else and be Lutheran" He added, "And the church certainly doesn't need another Doubting Thomas."
All these years later I don't know why or what my pastor thought or felt when he said this. I don't think I had even reflected deeply on what I personally believed at that moment about the resurrection and the empty tomb. Yet suddenly I was a Doubting Thomas in class. I knew the list of Biblical characters to emulate and those serving as abject, object lessons. Thomas was certainly on the wrong list.
My pastor's words stung so I reread the story, unfortunately with a particular ax to grind. First I noticed what Thomas feels is never described as doubt. He simply stipulates what it would take for him to believe what the others were telling him. And the other disciples didn't believe the story of the women who came from the tomb, but they are not called "Doubting Disciples". The unfairness of that label rankled me.
What I also read into my pastor's response at that time was something Jesus did not say and I doubt would have agreed with in the passage:
"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
My pastor appeared to believe, "and cursed are the ones who don't believe. They are not worthy of the others."
It feels petty to say now but that is I read the Thomas story not as Gospel to share, but with a heart heavy with vindictiveness.
Pastor Michelle preached about believing every statement in the Apostle's Creed. She quoted Diana Butler Bass that in a Confirmation class Bass substituted the word believe for belove which is a more accurate translation which is not used because it is not truly a word. What a different Confirmation class that would have been for me. To say I belove every story about Jesus moves affirmation to the heart rather than the head.
The sermon communicated that believing is seeing rather than the other way around. Pastor Michelle observed that the opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty. She also observed that Thomas ends up with the most beautiful statement of faith, his heartfelt "My Lord and my God".What my pastor confronted me with many years ago was a certainty I did not know how to process or desire to accept the way it was offered. Today came the comforting words that belief is a gift from God. I am thankful that I no longer have an ax to grind or simply feel guilt when I hear the beautiful story of Thomas.
The congregation sang Hymn of the Day - Thine is the Glory with a quiet triumph that was in line with the words of the hymn. Singing Come To the Table's receive from his nail-scarred hands during Communion felt like an affirmation of the grace of Jesus in the Thomas story.
The Sending Song - I'm So Glad Jesus Lifted Me was another song hat spoke to the uneven nature of our spirits and our Christian lives and how, when it happens, we are glad when we are lifted from being bound and in trouble.
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